"Lovin' life and livin' more, closer to the place her heart can rest..."

I hate money.

Let me explain what I mean when I say "I hate money"; because of a lack of money a lot things are hard, a struggle or damn near impossible. My mom, aunt and I all combine our money in order to pay for things like the rent, utilities, groceries, etc. My mom has been looking for full time work for months and is still stuck at a department store that only gives her 10 hours or so a week, my aunt's company is run by an idiot who never has the money to pay her and I only work 20 hours a week because of school and I only make mininum wage on top of that, so my contribution is not very big. If things don't improve then I have to quit school for awhile and go back to working full time and possibly even two jobs to improve things for us. I am so close to being done with school (I have 1010 hours out of the 1600 hours I need to graduate) but I don't see how it's possible for me to continue going. If I have to, then I have to take a break, there is no other way around it.

It's pretty much been like this my whole life, so close to being able to live what I consider "normally" and then have it all slip away. I grew up living in a household where the whole family (and for me the whole family mainly consisted of my mom, aunt, grandma and me) combined their money and tried to make everything work. I never got a lot of gifts for christmas, never went on vacations during summer breaks and never had huge birthday parties. Instead I watched my family lose everything and become homeless by the time I reached my senior year of high school. I was so ashamed and embarassed that I never told anyone for years. In fact I haven't told anyone besides my best friend, until recently when I mentioned it on the PxPx Board. And that wasn't an easy thing for me to mention, it's not exactly something I'm proud of. Ever since my senior year of high school I have had a hard time ever feeling at home anywhere. When I graduated my family still didn't have a home so I moved to another town into an apartment of my own and started college. I felt so restless there that I picked and moved across the country to try and find a place I felt at home in. Home wasn't there either, so I came back to CA and felt even more out of place. Finally, I moved to Washington and I feel like I found my home. It didn't really occur to me, until I was folding laundry a few minutes ago, that I can take a deep breath and say I'm home. I can unpack my things, put them in the closet. I don't have to keep things packed and be ready to leave any moment. I know I don't own the home I'm living in, but I feel more at home here then I've been able to feel in a really long time, I feel safe and finally a little secure.

Because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I try extremely hard to further myself in life. I never want to not have a home and a roof over my head again. I refuse to live that life again. I get what I want and I do not take "no" for an answer. I will finish school. I will open my own salon. I will buy my own house. And I will never be homeless again. Never.

Yes I'm envious, it's true..

"I don't believe in unity
it's just one more abandoned dream
Once the people get together it's easy to see
it's just a matter of time til they come after me

But it must be pretty cool to be you
With your brothers at your back, protecting you
It must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true, but it must be cool to be you

You got a loving family to give you everything you need
My family loves each other so much
We live a thousand miles away and never stay in touch

But it must be pretty cool to be you
With a home and a family to go home to
Must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true but it must be cool to be you

What can I do? I know this bitter jealousy is wrong
Maybe I'll move, and find a brand new place I don't belong
Some friends I'll never know
New places I can't go
Cause everywhere I've been
Is on the outside lookin in

You got a deep sustaining faith,
A Lord who listens when you pray
I was raised in a church and I was taught to believe
I wonder if God believes in me

It must be pretty cool to be you
With your holy faith sustaining you
Must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true but it must be cool to be you"

Ch-ch-changes!

Well only one change really. We're moving! WOOOOO! Finally getting out of that cracker jack box we call a house and into a real house. 4 bedroom 1 and a half bath and beautiful! I was so lucky to stumble upon this place, a friend of my mine use to live there and he told me about it last month when he moved into his new place. He thought it would fit us perfectly and he was right! It has two bedrooms upstairs and a little apartment downstairs in the above ground basement. Score for me! I get my own little apartment inside the house. Plus it has the one amenity I have been wanting since I moved to WA... a fireplace! Actually, it has two! One in the living room upstairs and one in the living room in the basement. It also has huge windows and hardwood floors, plus a cool little backyard. I cannot wait to move! October 18th is the day and I have already started to countdown the days we have left in our current place. The next challenge? FIlling the new home with furniture.

That's about all that's been going on in my world lately. Now, back to my homework....

Never better than now...

Sometimes I forget how much I have going on at the moment and what I am trying to accomplish. For me, I just concentrate on the day to day and I don't really think about everything I've done, I just concentrate on the present. Today I was talking to my neighbor and he really made me realize how much I am accomplishing and gave me a glimpse of what someone else saw when they looked at me.

We were talking about his upcoming move to California and he was mentioning how he loved Bremerton and it will always be his hometown but it was time for a change. Then he commented on how well he thought I fit in in Bremerton, how much I take a hold of the scene here and everything Bremerton has to offer and how he can see me really making a difference in this town. He believes that my future salon will thrive here and he loves that I get involved with the music scene and push people to go to local shows (and I guess he's right...I mean come on, how many times have I bugged you to go to a Tumbledown show? Haha) He also said that I should be proud of myself for going to school 30 hours a week, working 30 hours a week at two jobs and helping my mom and aunt out when I can.

I never really saw it that way. I kind of just thought "well this is my life, no biggie", but I guess to other people what I do is something to be proud of. And to hear that he really believes my salon will be successful is awesome to hear. It's amazing how much you're attitude can change when someone tells you they believe in what you're doing. I always try to do that for other people; whether it's supporting their music, or telling them they are doing great raising their child or telling them they are great at their job, I want others to know that I believe in them. It's nice when the pendulum swings back and someone tells you "I believe in you."

Love is patient, love is kind...

I stole this from a friend's myspace blog...

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your gut to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary... not supplementary. Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware."

Small town minds...

People are really nosy. And they are even more nosy in a small town. Everyone knows everyone's business. I guess you can call Bremerton a small town (I do, I'm from Orange County to me Btown is TINY!) and I guess like any good small town, you know the names of your neighbors, see people you know at the grocery store and have to deal with other people knowing your business. I try to keep what I do clean and drama free so in case things get out about me, it won't be anything bad and so far so good... I guess.

Sometimes I wish I could hear what other people say about me or what people really think when they see me. We all judge ourselves (usually harsher then others judge us) and we are the first to notice our flaws, but do other people notice them? We could think we're total dorks, but do others think we're cool? We could think we're dumb, but do others think we are smart? I was once told that the truth is what you make it to be. If you walk around thinking you are a great person with great talents, then others will think that too. So those "cool popular people" you know in town, are they really cool or are they just pretending to be so others will think they are? What do they really think of themselves? Are they just as insecure as the rest of us?

Probably.

Would you ever get married again?

Most people know that I have been married before. It was to someone I loved very much, but things were just bad and he turned out to be a very abusive man. After almost 5 years of being together, we got divorced. Needless to say, I was heartbroken and felt like a fool and a failure. I felt like I would never get over the divorce and be heartbroken for the rest of my life. Two and a half years later I can honestly say I am over the whole situation, but now there is a new question floating around in my brain: Will I ever get married again? Someone asked me that a few months ago and at the time I said yes I would, but ever since that day I have been thinking about it and now I'm not so sure I would attempt marriage again. So many people get divorced, and the statistics of my second marriage ending in happily ever after is not in my favor. Why subject myself to that again? Do I really need a piece of paper to prove my love for someone?

I don't know if I am thinking this way because of my divorce or if I am thinking this way as a way to protect myself? I haven't been in a real relationship since my divorce and I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be in one again. Maybe this whole "I don't think I'll get married again" thing is me just trying to act like I don't care that I have been single for 2 and a half years.