Get me out!

So the whole point of me going through these 1600 hours of cosmetology training is so I can become a licensed cosmetologist. Well, in order to become licensed, I have to take two different tests administered by the state. One is a practical exam, I perform a haircut, perm, color application, iron curl, lightener application, manicure, and relaxer application on a mannequin to prove that I know how to do what I am doing and how to do it safely. That's a little nerve racking only because these people are going to be watching my every mood, critiquing it and then grading it. AH! The second test is just an exam. The exam has 100 questions, all multiple choice, and is taken on a computer. That one doesn't scare me, I can handle a 100 question test.

In order to prepare us for the tests, my school has us practice the test over and over and then we do mock State Board exams and get graded on those on three different occasions. I'm all for being prepared, but can't we just take the real damn test and get it over with?! I mean, it can't be that hard! Think about all the hair stylist you have been to in the past, all of them passed the test (even the really crappy stylists).

I guess I am having a case of "senioritis". I ready for school to be over and I really don't feel like doing anything else or taking anymore tests.

Three more months!

I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes...

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are cascading up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken 'em all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all..

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all..

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What it's done...

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all
I'm not scared at all.

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Year in Review 2008

My favorite Christmas gift...

I don't know why this happens and every time it does happen I get more and more frustrated, but I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I feel like no matter how hard I try nothing ever changes. Financially things keep getting worse and that frustrates me most of all. I'm use to not having extra money and not being able to do fun things sometimes because I have to watch my pennies, but it is so hard to deal with that around christmas time. The past few christmases things have been really bad, last year we didn't get any gifts at all (well actually I got one, it was from my pxpx secret santa) and this year we have a few very small gifts (like lotion, body spray from bath and body works, etc) but barely anything for christmas dinner. I went to the grocery store earlier today to attempt a miracle; buy a weeks worth of groceries and something somewhat special for christmas dinner for three adults with only $50. That was fun.

Now with rent coming up and all of my bills coming due at once, I am again spinning my wheels. My mom got another job offer, the last job she got offered was for a fantastic art job in seattle but they had to let her go after one day because business was bad and they didn't have enough work. That was 2 weeks ago. Now she got offered another job through a temp agency, also an art job, and this one is a temp to hire; meaning after three months the company will hire her on as a permanent employee. Yay! Unfortunately it's too late to help with this month's bills. My aunt, well her old boss still hasn't paid her for her last few weeks of work and it looks like he never will. Her new job won't pay her until the beginning of January. Ugh. Again, too late.

A month from now everything will be much better, but these last two weeks of 2008 and the first two weeks of 2009 are going to suck and be hard to get through. I feel like I have lived through this nightmare already....oh wait...I have. :-/

So this blog isn't TOTALLY depressing, I want to mention somethings that made me smile today. I realized, by what a few of my friends did today, that what I do and say matters to those around me. They didn't do anything huge, and to them it probably didn't even matter, but to me it meant something and made me feel special. Thank you.

The best christmas gift I can ever receive isn't bought in a store or wrapped up in ribbons. It's free and doesn't have a gift receipt. My friends, I love you. :-)

"Lovin' life and livin' more, closer to the place her heart can rest..."

I hate money.

Let me explain what I mean when I say "I hate money"; because of a lack of money a lot things are hard, a struggle or damn near impossible. My mom, aunt and I all combine our money in order to pay for things like the rent, utilities, groceries, etc. My mom has been looking for full time work for months and is still stuck at a department store that only gives her 10 hours or so a week, my aunt's company is run by an idiot who never has the money to pay her and I only work 20 hours a week because of school and I only make mininum wage on top of that, so my contribution is not very big. If things don't improve then I have to quit school for awhile and go back to working full time and possibly even two jobs to improve things for us. I am so close to being done with school (I have 1010 hours out of the 1600 hours I need to graduate) but I don't see how it's possible for me to continue going. If I have to, then I have to take a break, there is no other way around it.

It's pretty much been like this my whole life, so close to being able to live what I consider "normally" and then have it all slip away. I grew up living in a household where the whole family (and for me the whole family mainly consisted of my mom, aunt, grandma and me) combined their money and tried to make everything work. I never got a lot of gifts for christmas, never went on vacations during summer breaks and never had huge birthday parties. Instead I watched my family lose everything and become homeless by the time I reached my senior year of high school. I was so ashamed and embarassed that I never told anyone for years. In fact I haven't told anyone besides my best friend, until recently when I mentioned it on the PxPx Board. And that wasn't an easy thing for me to mention, it's not exactly something I'm proud of. Ever since my senior year of high school I have had a hard time ever feeling at home anywhere. When I graduated my family still didn't have a home so I moved to another town into an apartment of my own and started college. I felt so restless there that I picked and moved across the country to try and find a place I felt at home in. Home wasn't there either, so I came back to CA and felt even more out of place. Finally, I moved to Washington and I feel like I found my home. It didn't really occur to me, until I was folding laundry a few minutes ago, that I can take a deep breath and say I'm home. I can unpack my things, put them in the closet. I don't have to keep things packed and be ready to leave any moment. I know I don't own the home I'm living in, but I feel more at home here then I've been able to feel in a really long time, I feel safe and finally a little secure.

Because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I try extremely hard to further myself in life. I never want to not have a home and a roof over my head again. I refuse to live that life again. I get what I want and I do not take "no" for an answer. I will finish school. I will open my own salon. I will buy my own house. And I will never be homeless again. Never.

Yes I'm envious, it's true..

"I don't believe in unity
it's just one more abandoned dream
Once the people get together it's easy to see
it's just a matter of time til they come after me

But it must be pretty cool to be you
With your brothers at your back, protecting you
It must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true, but it must be cool to be you

You got a loving family to give you everything you need
My family loves each other so much
We live a thousand miles away and never stay in touch

But it must be pretty cool to be you
With a home and a family to go home to
Must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true but it must be cool to be you

What can I do? I know this bitter jealousy is wrong
Maybe I'll move, and find a brand new place I don't belong
Some friends I'll never know
New places I can't go
Cause everywhere I've been
Is on the outside lookin in

You got a deep sustaining faith,
A Lord who listens when you pray
I was raised in a church and I was taught to believe
I wonder if God believes in me

It must be pretty cool to be you
With your holy faith sustaining you
Must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true but it must be cool to be you"

Ch-ch-changes!

Well only one change really. We're moving! WOOOOO! Finally getting out of that cracker jack box we call a house and into a real house. 4 bedroom 1 and a half bath and beautiful! I was so lucky to stumble upon this place, a friend of my mine use to live there and he told me about it last month when he moved into his new place. He thought it would fit us perfectly and he was right! It has two bedrooms upstairs and a little apartment downstairs in the above ground basement. Score for me! I get my own little apartment inside the house. Plus it has the one amenity I have been wanting since I moved to WA... a fireplace! Actually, it has two! One in the living room upstairs and one in the living room in the basement. It also has huge windows and hardwood floors, plus a cool little backyard. I cannot wait to move! October 18th is the day and I have already started to countdown the days we have left in our current place. The next challenge? FIlling the new home with furniture.

That's about all that's been going on in my world lately. Now, back to my homework....

Never better than now...

Sometimes I forget how much I have going on at the moment and what I am trying to accomplish. For me, I just concentrate on the day to day and I don't really think about everything I've done, I just concentrate on the present. Today I was talking to my neighbor and he really made me realize how much I am accomplishing and gave me a glimpse of what someone else saw when they looked at me.

We were talking about his upcoming move to California and he was mentioning how he loved Bremerton and it will always be his hometown but it was time for a change. Then he commented on how well he thought I fit in in Bremerton, how much I take a hold of the scene here and everything Bremerton has to offer and how he can see me really making a difference in this town. He believes that my future salon will thrive here and he loves that I get involved with the music scene and push people to go to local shows (and I guess he's right...I mean come on, how many times have I bugged you to go to a Tumbledown show? Haha) He also said that I should be proud of myself for going to school 30 hours a week, working 30 hours a week at two jobs and helping my mom and aunt out when I can.

I never really saw it that way. I kind of just thought "well this is my life, no biggie", but I guess to other people what I do is something to be proud of. And to hear that he really believes my salon will be successful is awesome to hear. It's amazing how much you're attitude can change when someone tells you they believe in what you're doing. I always try to do that for other people; whether it's supporting their music, or telling them they are doing great raising their child or telling them they are great at their job, I want others to know that I believe in them. It's nice when the pendulum swings back and someone tells you "I believe in you."

Love is patient, love is kind...

I stole this from a friend's myspace blog...

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your gut to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary... not supplementary. Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware."

Small town minds...

People are really nosy. And they are even more nosy in a small town. Everyone knows everyone's business. I guess you can call Bremerton a small town (I do, I'm from Orange County to me Btown is TINY!) and I guess like any good small town, you know the names of your neighbors, see people you know at the grocery store and have to deal with other people knowing your business. I try to keep what I do clean and drama free so in case things get out about me, it won't be anything bad and so far so good... I guess.

Sometimes I wish I could hear what other people say about me or what people really think when they see me. We all judge ourselves (usually harsher then others judge us) and we are the first to notice our flaws, but do other people notice them? We could think we're total dorks, but do others think we're cool? We could think we're dumb, but do others think we are smart? I was once told that the truth is what you make it to be. If you walk around thinking you are a great person with great talents, then others will think that too. So those "cool popular people" you know in town, are they really cool or are they just pretending to be so others will think they are? What do they really think of themselves? Are they just as insecure as the rest of us?

Probably.

Would you ever get married again?

Most people know that I have been married before. It was to someone I loved very much, but things were just bad and he turned out to be a very abusive man. After almost 5 years of being together, we got divorced. Needless to say, I was heartbroken and felt like a fool and a failure. I felt like I would never get over the divorce and be heartbroken for the rest of my life. Two and a half years later I can honestly say I am over the whole situation, but now there is a new question floating around in my brain: Will I ever get married again? Someone asked me that a few months ago and at the time I said yes I would, but ever since that day I have been thinking about it and now I'm not so sure I would attempt marriage again. So many people get divorced, and the statistics of my second marriage ending in happily ever after is not in my favor. Why subject myself to that again? Do I really need a piece of paper to prove my love for someone?

I don't know if I am thinking this way because of my divorce or if I am thinking this way as a way to protect myself? I haven't been in a real relationship since my divorce and I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be in one again. Maybe this whole "I don't think I'll get married again" thing is me just trying to act like I don't care that I have been single for 2 and a half years.

Almost to the half way-still not done yet-but getting closer mark...

August 23rd I will move on from Module 2 to Module 3. Which means I will technically be half way done with school (there are 4 modules)! YAY! I'll still have 900 more hours to get though, but at least the ball is rolling. I cannot wait to actually get paid for this instead of the school getting all the money. I'm working at a salon in Port Orchard as a receptionist, it's a chain like Fantastic Sams but a little nicer. It's not a bad salon, they do good work there, but it made me realize that that is not the kind of salon I wanna work in. I want something more creative, more alternative, more daring...if I can get that right out of beauty school. We'll see.

No other way to a sailors grave...

[FYI, I did not write this]

Welcome friends
The end is near, death is dear
Gather round and shed a tear
We’re coming closer to accepting the fact
That I have been fast asleep,
You have been fast asleep
Between the fault line of apathy & sin

As I awake to shake the webs of
Exhausted, worthless sleep
I open to an eerie silence
With no dreams

Water buries better than earth
One more gulp will do
There’s no other way to a sailors grave
Than into the depths of green & blue
The tangible dark – all bite and no bark
The two aren’t one in the same.

And then
Around a single grain of sand
An oyster builds a pearl.

All I can say is....

I had so much fun!

On the road again...

Going to lovely Spokane, WA tomorrow. A five hour drive just to see MxPx...yeah I'm crazy. Hahaha. Ah well, they put on a great show, so it's worth it. Plus I could really use the time away and the time off. It's like a mini vacation! Plus I love long drives, alone. It gives me time to think and clear my brain.

When it's been a bad day...

By my favorite band...

"When there's nowhere else to hide

When there's no one else to stand beside

When everything seems wrong

I've been with you all along

When neglect is all you really know

When no is where you wanna go

When they treat you like you don't belong

I've been with you all along

I'm the heart, the soul, the mind

The capitol of every kind

Those that seek will surely find

Those that don't are surely blind

Those that seek will surely find

When time is always running out

When weathering a storm of doubt

When the narrow path is long

I've been with you all along

When your heart has been tied down

And thrown into the sea to drown

When the love you knew is gone

I've been with you all along

Every step of the way

Every passing day

Every step of the way

Every passing day

I'm the heart, the soul, the mind

The capitol of every kind

Those that seek will surely find

Those that don't are surely blind

Those that seek will surely find"

I love school!!

Today was pretty much a fun day, so Viola my mannequin got a mowhawk! Rawkin'! Also my other mannequin Larry got a long classic shear and a handlebar mustache. I love school! It's so much fun and I can't believe I have finally found what I love to do. YAY! Next week is the last week of Mod 1 and then we are onto Mod 2, Technical (COLOR!!).

I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Backstabbers and liars, the world is full of them. I hope one day I will have learned not to be so trusting of people and to watch what I say. Apparently people will take what you say, twist it around and then repeat it to other people behind your back. Why would someone do that? I guess I don't understand, because I'm a NICE person.

On a different note, I hope this one particular person I have been trusting lately doesn't prove to be a liar and backstabber too. I've told him many things in confidence and I would be heartbroken if he too turned on me. But I think I can trust this person. He has told me many things in confidence as well, so hopefully I am right about him.

I want another tattoo...shocking huh?

Well my school has an issue with having too many tattoos showing, so instead of working on my forearm area I want to add to my upper right arm. I have a sparrow there now, but I can't decide what to put under that. I want to somehow include the sparrow and make it look like one whole piece, instead of two seperate tattoos. Anyone got any ideas? :-)

Say goodbye to the MRI...

Went to my oncologist in Seattle yesterday. It was my first time seeing him, so this appointment was mainly a get to know you kind of a thing. Anyways, he reviewed my history and talked to me for a while and then he told some awesome news. One, I no longer have to have MRIs and PET Scans done (yay! I hated those so much). Instead I get to just have CT scans every three months (that's what the picture is, a CT machine). Two, he thinks the chance of my cancer coming back is extremely low. WOO HOO! He said I am an otherwise healthy and active 25 year old and he sees no reason for the cancer to make a comeback. THANK GOD! So very good news there. I'm very happy. :-)

Coumadin sucks!

I've been taking the blood thinning medication Coumadin since mid December when I was diagnosed with a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) in my neck. I know this medication is important and it will get rid of the clot, but damn the side effects suck! I'm tired all the time, achy a lot, slightly depressed, irritable and I cannot lose weight at all (not even an ounce). Plus I can't drink alcohol, can't eat veggies or salads. I have to be on this for another 3-4 months. Blah. Plus I get to get stabbed every two weeks so they can check the levels on my blood. Oh and in case you didn't know ( I know I didn't know this until the doctor told me) Coumadin is rat poison. No seriously, it's rat poison and I have to voluntarily swallow 7.5mg of it every day. Good times!

I'm so excited!

I went to look at a cosmetology school on wednesday and I fell in love! I think it's a perfect fit for me and I really think I will be happy doing that for a living. Thirteen months and $15,000 later, I will be a licensed cosmetologist. Yay!