Together We'll Ring in the New Year...

That's actually my favorite Motion City Soundtrack song. I was never a real fan of theirs, but that song I like.

Anyway, 2010 is only a few days away, how crazy is that?

It will be 10 years since I graduated high school. I'm so different, yet so the same. Things have changed a lot, but deep down I think I am still the same person, at heart. I still love punk music, still love doing crazy stuff to my hair, still a hopeless romantic, still have big dreams. I don't plan on going to my high school reunion, but just knowing that it's been 10 years, is such a trip.

I have big plans for 2010, big plans. There is so much I am going to do and so much I want to experience. 2009 was such a crazy, fun year, I hope 2010 is equally as crazy and fun. So much in me and around me has changed since I have moved to Washington, I am so excited to see where I will be at the end of 2010.

July 2010 will make three years that I have been in remission from cancer. Two more years and I can be declared cancer free. That is truly exciting. One of the biggest fears I have is my cancer coming back and not winning the battle a second time. Every time I have a strange pain or I think I feel a swollen lymph node, I have a minor freak out and hope that it's not what I fear it is. So far, it hasn't been, but unfortunately that is a fear I will have to deal with for many years to come and maybe even for the rest of my life. I don't think my cancer will ever return though.

In February I will finally be done with cosmetology school. Woo hoo!! It has felt like I have been in school forever, even though that's obviously not true. It will be so nice to be finished. Next month I take the last of my state licensing exams and then I just need to finish the remaining 200 hours and I will be done done done! Now the next obstacle will be, where do I work? I do want to open my own salon, but I am in no way ready for that. I need money, a clientele, possibly a partner, staff, a location, advertising...whew! My head hurts just thinking about it. Bad Hair Day will open eventually, but I do not think it will be 2010.

Sometime this coming year (maybe summer or fall) I will finally be going to Japan. I am beyond excited for this and nothing, no money problems, no bills, no car problems, nothing short of a natural disaster, will keep me from this trip. I have wanted to go to Japan since I was a child and I cannot believe I will finally get to go. I am pretty scared to go alone (still hoping I can tag along with someone who is already supposed to be going to Japan next year) but even if I go alone, I will make this a trip of a lifetime. It was also mark the very first time I have left the country. Ah! So excited!

2010 is going to be a good year. I can feel it. Cheers!

Love Actually

With any luck, by next year
I'll be going out with one of these guys







But for now let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
(And at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this



Merry Christmas

I'm starting to think I made you up inside my head...

Just finished watching the movie 500 Days of Summer with my roommate. It was a really cute movie and I really liked it. When it was over my roommate said it gave her hope, but for me, it left me with questions.

Throughout the movie Summer says how she doesn't believe love is real and that marriages just end in divorce anyway so why bother. Meanwhile Tom is a total believer in love and destiny and he thinks he has found his soulmate in Summer. At the end of the movie (this a spoiler, so if you haven't watched it and don't want me to ruin it, skip to the next paragraph) Summer ends up marrying someone she just met and Tom is saying he doesn't believe in love or fate (although he changes his mind when he meets Autumn while waiting for a job interview). My question is, was Summer right all along? Is love real? And if it is real, does it happen for everyone?

I've been in what I thought was love before and he said he was in love too, but what happened? Did we fall out of love as quickly as we fell in love? Were we even in love to begin with? Can you really fall out of love with someone?

Ever since my divorce I've had no luck meeting a new guy. Maybe I'm picky, maybe I'm not. Or maybe I'm not meant for love. Who's to say everyone is meant to find a soulmate, fall in love and live happily ever after? If fate is real, then wouldn't it be some people's fate to be alone? Not everyone can have a shiny, happy, lovey relationship, right? Is that why nothing has worked out with any of the guys I've been with?

And before you say, "well you just haven't met the right one yet", how do I know there is a right one out there for me? Is it love that I'm looking for or is love really just someone else who is willing to put up with all the good and all the bad we are made of?

Those are my questions. And I really hope someone comes along to prove me wrong. I hope that one day I will wake up and the love of my life will be next to me and everything will be right side up in my world. The last thing I really want is to be right about any of this.

everything is gonna be just fine

Hidden Track by Chase Long Beach

"you've got your problems
oh boy well get in line
hey little sister
what's on your mind
we've all got questions
and the answers are hard to find
but if you let us play a song for you
everything is gonna be alright

chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
we can't give you no money
and none of us can give you a ride
but if you let us play a song for you
everything is gonna be just fine

no worries baby
about your life
we've all got troubles and burdens and bills and heartache and strife
we're all in this together
so relax and let the good times ride
come on let us play a song for you and everything is gonna be alright

chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
we can't give you no money
and none of us can give you a ride
but if you let us play a song for you everything is gonna be just fine

rised up this morning
smiled with the rising sun
three little birds
sit by my door step
singing sweet songs
oh melodies pure and true
singing this is my message to you, you, you

chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
we cant give you no money (cause we're broke!)
and none of us is good to drive (cause we're drunk!)
but if you let us play a song for you everything is gonna be just fine"

Summer of '09... so far

This summer so far, has been an amazing summer!

It started off with a trip to CA to help my new roomie, Lindsay, move from Temecula, CA to Bremerton, WA. The trip was super fast, we made it here in record time in our "SUV".



As you can see an Outback Suburaru is not an SUV...it's basically a glorified station wagon. But we made it in one piece and she has been the best roommate I have ever had and is my new partner in crime.



Next, me, Andi and Lindsay drove all the way to Vancouver, WA (pretty much Portland) to meet up with Jen and her new husband Brett. Even though I attended Jen's wedding (obviously, I did a lot of hair and makeup for it) I never really met Brett. Needless to say I was curious to find out what he was like. I figured if Jen loved him, he must be ok. ;-) So after donuts at Voodoo donut in Portland and getting lost trying to go to dinner, we headed back over the stateline to Vancouver to see Tumbledown play. We all felt kind of awkward at the show at first, it was in a industrial complex and it looked as if we were crashing someone's office picnic. But once Tumbledown started we all had a blast. Brett is super funny and seems like a real good guy. The show was the best Tumbledown show I have seen to date and I was very glad I got to hang out with Jen and Brett before they left for a year to Boise, ID (booooo!)







Then the Fourth of July rolled around. I had been super busy with summer school and working full time, that by the time the Fourth rolled around I found myself with no plans at all. My friend Nicole then invited me and Lindsay to a mutual friend's lake house for food, fireworks and fun. It was such a fun Fourth and I ended up seeing a lot of other friends that day too. I also rode a jet ski for the FIRST TIME! So much fun. We topped off the night with fireworks over the lake and all agreed that this had been by far one of the best Fourth's ever.









Next up was Whaling Days. Whaling Days is basically a street fair/carnival and it's always full of good food, beer, rides and live music. This year in addition to the other live bands playing there, Tumbledown played as well. It was hot as hell that day, but me, my mom, my aunt and Andi braved the heat to enjoy the food and music.









So, that's been the summer so far. It's been amazing and so much fun and it's only half way through! Next month there's camping, Warped Tour, BBQ party, and much more. I cannot wait to see how the rest of the summer turns out. I hope everyone else is having as much fun as I am!

I don't care...

I don't care what car you drive, where you live,
If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone,
If your clothes are this years cutting edge,
If your trust fund is unlimited,
If your A-List, B-List or never heard of you list,
I only care about the words that flutter from your mind,
They are the only thing you truly own,
The only thing I will remember you by,
I will not fall in love with your bones and skin,
I will not fall in love with the places you're been,
I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind...

[Your heart is all that matters to me, you should let your guard down more often]

"Runaway with me and don't look back..."

My head is spinning with so many thoughts right now I don't know which end is up. I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I'm trying so hard to keep everything together just to have everything fall apart. I'm lonely, I feel like I don't have anyone sometimes even though I know that's not true. I'm just so tired of trying to figure things out on my own. I'm resisting the urge to pick up and run, to do something incredibly irresponsible and just take off for a while. i feel like if I do that then maybe they will learn how to live like adults and on their own again, but at the same time, if I pick up and leave I will destroy everything I have. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of it all.

I just needed to release these thoughts from my head and put it out to the world, even if no one reads it.

Your wish is my command....

If a genie (yeah I said genie, this is not a logical/ realistic blog ok? ;-) ) came to me right now and said what do you want? What wishes do you want granted? This is what I would say:

1. Pay off all my debt (no more living from paycheck to paycheck!)

2. Get my mom and aunt a job (so I don't have to support them anymore)

3. Buy a house (I would really like to buy the one I currently live in)

4. Finish my cosmetology license (I'm so damn close it's killing me!)

5. Open my salon (I have such great ideas, it would kick ass!)

6. Take a trip to Japan (I'm fascinated by Japan and I must go there someday)

7. Fall in love and get married (and have it last this time)

8. Start a family (Just me, my husband, a few kids and a few dogs)

That's it. I don't want or need anything else. I don't want a million dollars (although if you add up how much all those things would cost, it might have been easier to just ask for a few million dollars haha), I don't want a fancy sports car, I don't want to marry Brad Pitt, I don't want to be a size 0, I don't want to live in a fancy house on the beach will 100 servants and all the fabulous luxuries in the world. I just want those things. Sounds pretty simple right? Then why does it feel like it might take me a lifetime to get any of those things?

Sigh. Back to real life.

Sometimes, I think this is true...

"Every story has an end, but in life, every end is just a new beginning..."

So it's official, I'm out of school until further notice. Coming up with over two grand is not something that is possible right now and things are so tight at home that I really need to work full time (well more then full time, 60 hours a week) to help turn things around. I'm totally bummed, but I know that one day I will go back and I will graduate. No doubt about it. Even though I am not in school right now, I am going to take my State Board Licensing Exam for Cosmetology the week of February 9th. I was signed up to take the test before I knew I was going to leave school, so I might as well get it over with. This is the exam that, if I pass, would make me a licensed cosmetologist in the state of Washington. So at least I will have that out of the way, then all I have to do when I do finally get back in school is finish up my required hours and then get the hell out of there.

So, even though leaving school has really bummed me out, I am trying to be thankful for what I do have. I just got hired at a company in Bremerton working full time, considering how many people are out of work right now, it is truly a blessing that I found a second full time job so quickly. Also, my current job has agreed to let me work only saturdays and sundays, so I can work both jobs at the same time, again I am totally thankful that they are willing to be so flexible with me.

I found out yesterday, at my six month check up at the oncologist, that I am still cancer free and there is no sign or reoccurrence. That makes 18 months since I ended chemo with no sign of it coming back! Yay! The closer I get to 5 years of no relapse, the better. When I do hit the 5 year mark (and I will!), my chance of the cancer coming back goes to almost zero. For that, I am extremely grateful!

Let's see, what else is there for me to be grateful for right now? I have friends I love dearly, a beautiful home, a dog whom I love very much, a wonderfully supportive family, food on the table, gas in the car. I have lots to look forward to this year, celebrating my 27th birthday (seriously?! 27?! Whoa.), lots of upcoming shows, hopefully Lindsay coming to visit soon, getting back into school and finishing, watching a friend get married (and getting the privilege of making her look extra beautiful that day), and so much more that I don't even know about yet. My life may not be perfect, I may be way behind on my bills, struggling from paycheck to paycheck, but the basics are still there. As long as I have that, the rest will come together eventually. I know, with all my heart, that everything happens for a reason. I cannot wait to see what's going to happen next, it's an adventure.

I have faith.

Beauty School Drop Out

"Beauty school dropout,
No graduation day for you.
Beauty school dropout,
Missed your midterms and flunked shampoo....

Baby get moving,
Why keep your feeble hopes alive?
What are you proving?
You've got the dream but not the drive....."

I got suspended from school on tuesday. Not because I did anything bad or talked back to a teacher or failed a test, but because I couldn't pay my tuition payment. The director of education called me into her office and told me I have until January 20th to come up with $2300 or otherwise I will be dismissed from school and have to wait 5-6 MONTHS before I can be reinstated. Needless to say, I'm heartbroken. I was so close to graduating (a little less than three months away) and now I can't finish. I tried to get approved for a student loan or a private loan, but so far no luck. I am so mad and disappointed and I feel like a total loser. I really wanted this and now I feel like I am watching it slip out of my hands.

To put insult to injury, do you know what the director of education told me I should do to get the money? Win the lottery. My world is falling apart and her solution is for me to win the lottery. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard that, it made me feel even more useless.

So now I am forced to take a 5-6 month break from school, save all the money I can and then try and be reinstated.

I really hate life right now.

With a song in my heart and your lyrics on my lips...

If you know me at all, then you know that I love going to shows. Live music is a huge thing in my life and it's where I love to be. Since 2009 started I've seen two shows already! New Year's Eve I saw Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, it was my first time seeing them and they were amazing. Can you believe she's 50?!




They definitely put on a terrific show and it's really great to see a female musician who can kick some ass on stage.

Then last night I went to a very last minute Tumbledown show. The more I see Tumbledown, the more I love them.


For those of you who don't know, Tumbledown is MxPx frontman Mike Herrera's side project. I've been an MxPx fan for quite some time and I've always loved their music and related a lot to the songs they've released, but the more I listen to Tumbledown the more I connect with it. I don't know how to really describe it, but Tumbledown seems to be directed towards a more mature and adult audience and deals with issues that someone in their late twenties through thirties (and on) would relate to (struggling to find a job, gripes with the way the country is run, trying to feel at home, and attempting to drink away your problems). They're more of a bar band and MxPx is more of an all ages band. Both Tumbledown and MxPx have records coming out in 2009 and I think I am more excited to hear the Tumbledown one suprisingly. I'm just so eager to see where this band will go and I try to get as many people into them as I can. Speaking of that, www.myspace.com/tumbledowncountry is their myspace, if you haven't already, go check out their music.

A few more pics from last night...



And just because I think he looks funny with a beard...


2009 is going to be a great year, I can't wait to hit up even more shows!