I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes...

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are cascading up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken 'em all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all..

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all..

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What it's done...

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all
I'm not scared at all.

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Year in Review 2008

My favorite Christmas gift...

I don't know why this happens and every time it does happen I get more and more frustrated, but I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I feel like no matter how hard I try nothing ever changes. Financially things keep getting worse and that frustrates me most of all. I'm use to not having extra money and not being able to do fun things sometimes because I have to watch my pennies, but it is so hard to deal with that around christmas time. The past few christmases things have been really bad, last year we didn't get any gifts at all (well actually I got one, it was from my pxpx secret santa) and this year we have a few very small gifts (like lotion, body spray from bath and body works, etc) but barely anything for christmas dinner. I went to the grocery store earlier today to attempt a miracle; buy a weeks worth of groceries and something somewhat special for christmas dinner for three adults with only $50. That was fun.

Now with rent coming up and all of my bills coming due at once, I am again spinning my wheels. My mom got another job offer, the last job she got offered was for a fantastic art job in seattle but they had to let her go after one day because business was bad and they didn't have enough work. That was 2 weeks ago. Now she got offered another job through a temp agency, also an art job, and this one is a temp to hire; meaning after three months the company will hire her on as a permanent employee. Yay! Unfortunately it's too late to help with this month's bills. My aunt, well her old boss still hasn't paid her for her last few weeks of work and it looks like he never will. Her new job won't pay her until the beginning of January. Ugh. Again, too late.

A month from now everything will be much better, but these last two weeks of 2008 and the first two weeks of 2009 are going to suck and be hard to get through. I feel like I have lived through this nightmare already....oh wait...I have. :-/

So this blog isn't TOTALLY depressing, I want to mention somethings that made me smile today. I realized, by what a few of my friends did today, that what I do and say matters to those around me. They didn't do anything huge, and to them it probably didn't even matter, but to me it meant something and made me feel special. Thank you.

The best christmas gift I can ever receive isn't bought in a store or wrapped up in ribbons. It's free and doesn't have a gift receipt. My friends, I love you. :-)

"Lovin' life and livin' more, closer to the place her heart can rest..."

I hate money.

Let me explain what I mean when I say "I hate money"; because of a lack of money a lot things are hard, a struggle or damn near impossible. My mom, aunt and I all combine our money in order to pay for things like the rent, utilities, groceries, etc. My mom has been looking for full time work for months and is still stuck at a department store that only gives her 10 hours or so a week, my aunt's company is run by an idiot who never has the money to pay her and I only work 20 hours a week because of school and I only make mininum wage on top of that, so my contribution is not very big. If things don't improve then I have to quit school for awhile and go back to working full time and possibly even two jobs to improve things for us. I am so close to being done with school (I have 1010 hours out of the 1600 hours I need to graduate) but I don't see how it's possible for me to continue going. If I have to, then I have to take a break, there is no other way around it.

It's pretty much been like this my whole life, so close to being able to live what I consider "normally" and then have it all slip away. I grew up living in a household where the whole family (and for me the whole family mainly consisted of my mom, aunt, grandma and me) combined their money and tried to make everything work. I never got a lot of gifts for christmas, never went on vacations during summer breaks and never had huge birthday parties. Instead I watched my family lose everything and become homeless by the time I reached my senior year of high school. I was so ashamed and embarassed that I never told anyone for years. In fact I haven't told anyone besides my best friend, until recently when I mentioned it on the PxPx Board. And that wasn't an easy thing for me to mention, it's not exactly something I'm proud of. Ever since my senior year of high school I have had a hard time ever feeling at home anywhere. When I graduated my family still didn't have a home so I moved to another town into an apartment of my own and started college. I felt so restless there that I picked and moved across the country to try and find a place I felt at home in. Home wasn't there either, so I came back to CA and felt even more out of place. Finally, I moved to Washington and I feel like I found my home. It didn't really occur to me, until I was folding laundry a few minutes ago, that I can take a deep breath and say I'm home. I can unpack my things, put them in the closet. I don't have to keep things packed and be ready to leave any moment. I know I don't own the home I'm living in, but I feel more at home here then I've been able to feel in a really long time, I feel safe and finally a little secure.

Because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I try extremely hard to further myself in life. I never want to not have a home and a roof over my head again. I refuse to live that life again. I get what I want and I do not take "no" for an answer. I will finish school. I will open my own salon. I will buy my own house. And I will never be homeless again. Never.

Yes I'm envious, it's true..

"I don't believe in unity
it's just one more abandoned dream
Once the people get together it's easy to see
it's just a matter of time til they come after me

But it must be pretty cool to be you
With your brothers at your back, protecting you
It must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true, but it must be cool to be you

You got a loving family to give you everything you need
My family loves each other so much
We live a thousand miles away and never stay in touch

But it must be pretty cool to be you
With a home and a family to go home to
Must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true but it must be cool to be you

What can I do? I know this bitter jealousy is wrong
Maybe I'll move, and find a brand new place I don't belong
Some friends I'll never know
New places I can't go
Cause everywhere I've been
Is on the outside lookin in

You got a deep sustaining faith,
A Lord who listens when you pray
I was raised in a church and I was taught to believe
I wonder if God believes in me

It must be pretty cool to be you
With your holy faith sustaining you
Must be pretty cool to know you belong
Isolated my whole life counting scars in the land of the smiling knives
Yes I'm envious it's true but it must be cool to be you"

Ch-ch-changes!

Well only one change really. We're moving! WOOOOO! Finally getting out of that cracker jack box we call a house and into a real house. 4 bedroom 1 and a half bath and beautiful! I was so lucky to stumble upon this place, a friend of my mine use to live there and he told me about it last month when he moved into his new place. He thought it would fit us perfectly and he was right! It has two bedrooms upstairs and a little apartment downstairs in the above ground basement. Score for me! I get my own little apartment inside the house. Plus it has the one amenity I have been wanting since I moved to WA... a fireplace! Actually, it has two! One in the living room upstairs and one in the living room in the basement. It also has huge windows and hardwood floors, plus a cool little backyard. I cannot wait to move! October 18th is the day and I have already started to countdown the days we have left in our current place. The next challenge? FIlling the new home with furniture.

That's about all that's been going on in my world lately. Now, back to my homework....

Never better than now...

Sometimes I forget how much I have going on at the moment and what I am trying to accomplish. For me, I just concentrate on the day to day and I don't really think about everything I've done, I just concentrate on the present. Today I was talking to my neighbor and he really made me realize how much I am accomplishing and gave me a glimpse of what someone else saw when they looked at me.

We were talking about his upcoming move to California and he was mentioning how he loved Bremerton and it will always be his hometown but it was time for a change. Then he commented on how well he thought I fit in in Bremerton, how much I take a hold of the scene here and everything Bremerton has to offer and how he can see me really making a difference in this town. He believes that my future salon will thrive here and he loves that I get involved with the music scene and push people to go to local shows (and I guess he's right...I mean come on, how many times have I bugged you to go to a Tumbledown show? Haha) He also said that I should be proud of myself for going to school 30 hours a week, working 30 hours a week at two jobs and helping my mom and aunt out when I can.

I never really saw it that way. I kind of just thought "well this is my life, no biggie", but I guess to other people what I do is something to be proud of. And to hear that he really believes my salon will be successful is awesome to hear. It's amazing how much you're attitude can change when someone tells you they believe in what you're doing. I always try to do that for other people; whether it's supporting their music, or telling them they are doing great raising their child or telling them they are great at their job, I want others to know that I believe in them. It's nice when the pendulum swings back and someone tells you "I believe in you."