"Runaway with me and don't look back..."

My head is spinning with so many thoughts right now I don't know which end is up. I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I'm trying so hard to keep everything together just to have everything fall apart. I'm lonely, I feel like I don't have anyone sometimes even though I know that's not true. I'm just so tired of trying to figure things out on my own. I'm resisting the urge to pick up and run, to do something incredibly irresponsible and just take off for a while. i feel like if I do that then maybe they will learn how to live like adults and on their own again, but at the same time, if I pick up and leave I will destroy everything I have. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of it all.

I just needed to release these thoughts from my head and put it out to the world, even if no one reads it.

Your wish is my command....

If a genie (yeah I said genie, this is not a logical/ realistic blog ok? ;-) ) came to me right now and said what do you want? What wishes do you want granted? This is what I would say:

1. Pay off all my debt (no more living from paycheck to paycheck!)

2. Get my mom and aunt a job (so I don't have to support them anymore)

3. Buy a house (I would really like to buy the one I currently live in)

4. Finish my cosmetology license (I'm so damn close it's killing me!)

5. Open my salon (I have such great ideas, it would kick ass!)

6. Take a trip to Japan (I'm fascinated by Japan and I must go there someday)

7. Fall in love and get married (and have it last this time)

8. Start a family (Just me, my husband, a few kids and a few dogs)

That's it. I don't want or need anything else. I don't want a million dollars (although if you add up how much all those things would cost, it might have been easier to just ask for a few million dollars haha), I don't want a fancy sports car, I don't want to marry Brad Pitt, I don't want to be a size 0, I don't want to live in a fancy house on the beach will 100 servants and all the fabulous luxuries in the world. I just want those things. Sounds pretty simple right? Then why does it feel like it might take me a lifetime to get any of those things?

Sigh. Back to real life.

Sometimes, I think this is true...

"Every story has an end, but in life, every end is just a new beginning..."

So it's official, I'm out of school until further notice. Coming up with over two grand is not something that is possible right now and things are so tight at home that I really need to work full time (well more then full time, 60 hours a week) to help turn things around. I'm totally bummed, but I know that one day I will go back and I will graduate. No doubt about it. Even though I am not in school right now, I am going to take my State Board Licensing Exam for Cosmetology the week of February 9th. I was signed up to take the test before I knew I was going to leave school, so I might as well get it over with. This is the exam that, if I pass, would make me a licensed cosmetologist in the state of Washington. So at least I will have that out of the way, then all I have to do when I do finally get back in school is finish up my required hours and then get the hell out of there.

So, even though leaving school has really bummed me out, I am trying to be thankful for what I do have. I just got hired at a company in Bremerton working full time, considering how many people are out of work right now, it is truly a blessing that I found a second full time job so quickly. Also, my current job has agreed to let me work only saturdays and sundays, so I can work both jobs at the same time, again I am totally thankful that they are willing to be so flexible with me.

I found out yesterday, at my six month check up at the oncologist, that I am still cancer free and there is no sign or reoccurrence. That makes 18 months since I ended chemo with no sign of it coming back! Yay! The closer I get to 5 years of no relapse, the better. When I do hit the 5 year mark (and I will!), my chance of the cancer coming back goes to almost zero. For that, I am extremely grateful!

Let's see, what else is there for me to be grateful for right now? I have friends I love dearly, a beautiful home, a dog whom I love very much, a wonderfully supportive family, food on the table, gas in the car. I have lots to look forward to this year, celebrating my 27th birthday (seriously?! 27?! Whoa.), lots of upcoming shows, hopefully Lindsay coming to visit soon, getting back into school and finishing, watching a friend get married (and getting the privilege of making her look extra beautiful that day), and so much more that I don't even know about yet. My life may not be perfect, I may be way behind on my bills, struggling from paycheck to paycheck, but the basics are still there. As long as I have that, the rest will come together eventually. I know, with all my heart, that everything happens for a reason. I cannot wait to see what's going to happen next, it's an adventure.

I have faith.

Beauty School Drop Out

"Beauty school dropout,
No graduation day for you.
Beauty school dropout,
Missed your midterms and flunked shampoo....

Baby get moving,
Why keep your feeble hopes alive?
What are you proving?
You've got the dream but not the drive....."

I got suspended from school on tuesday. Not because I did anything bad or talked back to a teacher or failed a test, but because I couldn't pay my tuition payment. The director of education called me into her office and told me I have until January 20th to come up with $2300 or otherwise I will be dismissed from school and have to wait 5-6 MONTHS before I can be reinstated. Needless to say, I'm heartbroken. I was so close to graduating (a little less than three months away) and now I can't finish. I tried to get approved for a student loan or a private loan, but so far no luck. I am so mad and disappointed and I feel like a total loser. I really wanted this and now I feel like I am watching it slip out of my hands.

To put insult to injury, do you know what the director of education told me I should do to get the money? Win the lottery. My world is falling apart and her solution is for me to win the lottery. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard that, it made me feel even more useless.

So now I am forced to take a 5-6 month break from school, save all the money I can and then try and be reinstated.

I really hate life right now.

With a song in my heart and your lyrics on my lips...

If you know me at all, then you know that I love going to shows. Live music is a huge thing in my life and it's where I love to be. Since 2009 started I've seen two shows already! New Year's Eve I saw Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, it was my first time seeing them and they were amazing. Can you believe she's 50?!




They definitely put on a terrific show and it's really great to see a female musician who can kick some ass on stage.

Then last night I went to a very last minute Tumbledown show. The more I see Tumbledown, the more I love them.


For those of you who don't know, Tumbledown is MxPx frontman Mike Herrera's side project. I've been an MxPx fan for quite some time and I've always loved their music and related a lot to the songs they've released, but the more I listen to Tumbledown the more I connect with it. I don't know how to really describe it, but Tumbledown seems to be directed towards a more mature and adult audience and deals with issues that someone in their late twenties through thirties (and on) would relate to (struggling to find a job, gripes with the way the country is run, trying to feel at home, and attempting to drink away your problems). They're more of a bar band and MxPx is more of an all ages band. Both Tumbledown and MxPx have records coming out in 2009 and I think I am more excited to hear the Tumbledown one suprisingly. I'm just so eager to see where this band will go and I try to get as many people into them as I can. Speaking of that, www.myspace.com/tumbledowncountry is their myspace, if you haven't already, go check out their music.

A few more pics from last night...



And just because I think he looks funny with a beard...


2009 is going to be a great year, I can't wait to hit up even more shows!

Get me out!

So the whole point of me going through these 1600 hours of cosmetology training is so I can become a licensed cosmetologist. Well, in order to become licensed, I have to take two different tests administered by the state. One is a practical exam, I perform a haircut, perm, color application, iron curl, lightener application, manicure, and relaxer application on a mannequin to prove that I know how to do what I am doing and how to do it safely. That's a little nerve racking only because these people are going to be watching my every mood, critiquing it and then grading it. AH! The second test is just an exam. The exam has 100 questions, all multiple choice, and is taken on a computer. That one doesn't scare me, I can handle a 100 question test.

In order to prepare us for the tests, my school has us practice the test over and over and then we do mock State Board exams and get graded on those on three different occasions. I'm all for being prepared, but can't we just take the real damn test and get it over with?! I mean, it can't be that hard! Think about all the hair stylist you have been to in the past, all of them passed the test (even the really crappy stylists).

I guess I am having a case of "senioritis". I ready for school to be over and I really don't feel like doing anything else or taking anymore tests.

Three more months!