Who would of thought that the pain in my right knee that started four years ago this month would turn into a battle with cancer and a pain that I may have to deal with for the rest of my life. As I type this I am sitting in a recliner in my living room with my right leg elevated, hoping and willing the pain to go away. It's hard to describe it, it almost feels like the inside of bone hurts, like it's cold, like my leg is stiff, like someone took a hammer to my muscles and beat the shit out of me. It's all that wrapped into one leg. The pain doesn't happen every day, I've yet to figure out if it's caused by any certain activity, sometimes it lasts all day, sometimes all night, sometimes just a few hours. All I do know, is it sucks.
I have no pain killers, no tylenol, nothing to take. Not like tylenol ever works anyway. And I think tomorrow, when I see my oncologist for another check up, I'm going to ask for some relief. Something to just make it tolerable. Last time I did that, they shoved a ton of vicodin in my direction and sent me on my way. After 7 months of taking it, I became somewhat dependent on it and when it became time to go off the pills due to an upcoming surgery I was having, I went through full blown withdrawals. That is not something I want to repeat.
All I want, is the pain gone. At least for tonight.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
If you never try, you'll never know...
About a year ago I signed up for the online dating site OkCupid.com and about 3 months ago I signed up for eHarmony.com, and I have had zero luck with both websites. I was pretty bummed about it, especially considering a really good friend of mine met her husband on eHarmony and I know a few people who have at the very least scored a couple dates off of both websites, but the more I think about, the more it makes sense. My type of guy is not on those websites. If there is someone out there who is perfect for me, my other half, my soul mate, they are not online looking for love, in fact, they are probably at a local band's show instead.
So I'm throwing in the online dating towel, I tried it and now I know, it's not for me. I would rather get rejected the old fashioned way...in real life. ;-)
So I'm throwing in the online dating towel, I tried it and now I know, it's not for me. I would rather get rejected the old fashioned way...in real life. ;-)
Monday, April 5, 2010
I reject your reality and substitute my own...
My life is weird. No really, it's weird. I graduated from high school exactly 10 years ago and if you would have come up to me on my graduation day and explained what my life is like now, to me then, I would have thought you were on something. Seriously, I would not have believed you at all.
I don't talk about a lot of this to anyone besides close friends, because I'm not one to brag or name drop or anything like that. But I thought, it really doesn't matter and no one really reads this anyway, so who cares.
An example on why my life is weird. In the past week I've had 2/3 of my favorite band at my house to sign some of their merch for an auction I am working on for them. Weird. I know them, they know me and I work for them (again, WEIRD!). While I was sitting on the couch this morning, watching tv and enjoying my time off before I go to work at the salon (again, weird, I actually do something I love for a living and I don't hate my job) one of the above mentioned members of the band drops off a box of merch he just finished signing and sends me a text telling me to check my front porch. WEIRD.
How did I get this life? It's way too cool for me! Haha And at the same time, this life of mine has not turned out the way I planned. Ten years ago if you would have asked me to describe my life at 27, almost 28, I would not have said, hair stylist, living in Bremerton, WA, working for MxPx and building a salon and business of my own. Never. Not a chance that I could of even dreamed up this life. I would have said, mother of a few kids, married, living most likely in Orange County, still trying to be an actress but just a stay at home mom who can't get an acting job to save her life.
I believe everything happens for a reason, the choices I made (even the impossibly small choices, like going to my first MxPx show) have lead me down the path to the life I now have before me. All the speed bumps, all the tears, all the heartbreak, all the laughter, all the good times, all the moving boxes, all the crappy temp jobs...all of it...lead me here. I'm so curious to see where my next small decision will lead me. I want to look back at this post in 10 years and think, "man, you had no clue what you were in for or where you will go, life is good".
Here's to turning 38! (In ten years).
I don't talk about a lot of this to anyone besides close friends, because I'm not one to brag or name drop or anything like that. But I thought, it really doesn't matter and no one really reads this anyway, so who cares.
An example on why my life is weird. In the past week I've had 2/3 of my favorite band at my house to sign some of their merch for an auction I am working on for them. Weird. I know them, they know me and I work for them (again, WEIRD!). While I was sitting on the couch this morning, watching tv and enjoying my time off before I go to work at the salon (again, weird, I actually do something I love for a living and I don't hate my job) one of the above mentioned members of the band drops off a box of merch he just finished signing and sends me a text telling me to check my front porch. WEIRD.
How did I get this life? It's way too cool for me! Haha And at the same time, this life of mine has not turned out the way I planned. Ten years ago if you would have asked me to describe my life at 27, almost 28, I would not have said, hair stylist, living in Bremerton, WA, working for MxPx and building a salon and business of my own. Never. Not a chance that I could of even dreamed up this life. I would have said, mother of a few kids, married, living most likely in Orange County, still trying to be an actress but just a stay at home mom who can't get an acting job to save her life.
I believe everything happens for a reason, the choices I made (even the impossibly small choices, like going to my first MxPx show) have lead me down the path to the life I now have before me. All the speed bumps, all the tears, all the heartbreak, all the laughter, all the good times, all the moving boxes, all the crappy temp jobs...all of it...lead me here. I'm so curious to see where my next small decision will lead me. I want to look back at this post in 10 years and think, "man, you had no clue what you were in for or where you will go, life is good".
Here's to turning 38! (In ten years).
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Together We'll Ring in the New Year...
That's actually my favorite Motion City Soundtrack song. I was never a real fan of theirs, but that song I like.
Anyway, 2010 is only a few days away, how crazy is that?
It will be 10 years since I graduated high school. I'm so different, yet so the same. Things have changed a lot, but deep down I think I am still the same person, at heart. I still love punk music, still love doing crazy stuff to my hair, still a hopeless romantic, still have big dreams. I don't plan on going to my high school reunion, but just knowing that it's been 10 years, is such a trip.
I have big plans for 2010, big plans. There is so much I am going to do and so much I want to experience. 2009 was such a crazy, fun year, I hope 2010 is equally as crazy and fun. So much in me and around me has changed since I have moved to Washington, I am so excited to see where I will be at the end of 2010.
July 2010 will make three years that I have been in remission from cancer. Two more years and I can be declared cancer free. That is truly exciting. One of the biggest fears I have is my cancer coming back and not winning the battle a second time. Every time I have a strange pain or I think I feel a swollen lymph node, I have a minor freak out and hope that it's not what I fear it is. So far, it hasn't been, but unfortunately that is a fear I will have to deal with for many years to come and maybe even for the rest of my life. I don't think my cancer will ever return though.
In February I will finally be done with cosmetology school. Woo hoo!! It has felt like I have been in school forever, even though that's obviously not true. It will be so nice to be finished. Next month I take the last of my state licensing exams and then I just need to finish the remaining 200 hours and I will be done done done! Now the next obstacle will be, where do I work? I do want to open my own salon, but I am in no way ready for that. I need money, a clientele, possibly a partner, staff, a location, advertising...whew! My head hurts just thinking about it. Bad Hair Day will open eventually, but I do not think it will be 2010.
Sometime this coming year (maybe summer or fall) I will finally be going to Japan. I am beyond excited for this and nothing, no money problems, no bills, no car problems, nothing short of a natural disaster, will keep me from this trip. I have wanted to go to Japan since I was a child and I cannot believe I will finally get to go. I am pretty scared to go alone (still hoping I can tag along with someone who is already supposed to be going to Japan next year) but even if I go alone, I will make this a trip of a lifetime. It was also mark the very first time I have left the country. Ah! So excited!
2010 is going to be a good year. I can feel it. Cheers!
Anyway, 2010 is only a few days away, how crazy is that?
It will be 10 years since I graduated high school. I'm so different, yet so the same. Things have changed a lot, but deep down I think I am still the same person, at heart. I still love punk music, still love doing crazy stuff to my hair, still a hopeless romantic, still have big dreams. I don't plan on going to my high school reunion, but just knowing that it's been 10 years, is such a trip.
I have big plans for 2010, big plans. There is so much I am going to do and so much I want to experience. 2009 was such a crazy, fun year, I hope 2010 is equally as crazy and fun. So much in me and around me has changed since I have moved to Washington, I am so excited to see where I will be at the end of 2010.
July 2010 will make three years that I have been in remission from cancer. Two more years and I can be declared cancer free. That is truly exciting. One of the biggest fears I have is my cancer coming back and not winning the battle a second time. Every time I have a strange pain or I think I feel a swollen lymph node, I have a minor freak out and hope that it's not what I fear it is. So far, it hasn't been, but unfortunately that is a fear I will have to deal with for many years to come and maybe even for the rest of my life. I don't think my cancer will ever return though.
In February I will finally be done with cosmetology school. Woo hoo!! It has felt like I have been in school forever, even though that's obviously not true. It will be so nice to be finished. Next month I take the last of my state licensing exams and then I just need to finish the remaining 200 hours and I will be done done done! Now the next obstacle will be, where do I work? I do want to open my own salon, but I am in no way ready for that. I need money, a clientele, possibly a partner, staff, a location, advertising...whew! My head hurts just thinking about it. Bad Hair Day will open eventually, but I do not think it will be 2010.
Sometime this coming year (maybe summer or fall) I will finally be going to Japan. I am beyond excited for this and nothing, no money problems, no bills, no car problems, nothing short of a natural disaster, will keep me from this trip. I have wanted to go to Japan since I was a child and I cannot believe I will finally get to go. I am pretty scared to go alone (still hoping I can tag along with someone who is already supposed to be going to Japan next year) but even if I go alone, I will make this a trip of a lifetime. It was also mark the very first time I have left the country. Ah! So excited!
2010 is going to be a good year. I can feel it. Cheers!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Love Actually
With any luck, by next year
I'll be going out with one of these guys
But for now let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
(And at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this
Merry Christmas
I'll be going out with one of these guys
But for now let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
(And at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this
Merry Christmas
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I'm starting to think I made you up inside my head...
Just finished watching the movie 500 Days of Summer with my roommate. It was a really cute movie and I really liked it. When it was over my roommate said it gave her hope, but for me, it left me with questions.
Throughout the movie Summer says how she doesn't believe love is real and that marriages just end in divorce anyway so why bother. Meanwhile Tom is a total believer in love and destiny and he thinks he has found his soulmate in Summer. At the end of the movie (this a spoiler, so if you haven't watched it and don't want me to ruin it, skip to the next paragraph) Summer ends up marrying someone she just met and Tom is saying he doesn't believe in love or fate (although he changes his mind when he meets Autumn while waiting for a job interview). My question is, was Summer right all along? Is love real? And if it is real, does it happen for everyone?
I've been in what I thought was love before and he said he was in love too, but what happened? Did we fall out of love as quickly as we fell in love? Were we even in love to begin with? Can you really fall out of love with someone?
Ever since my divorce I've had no luck meeting a new guy. Maybe I'm picky, maybe I'm not. Or maybe I'm not meant for love. Who's to say everyone is meant to find a soulmate, fall in love and live happily ever after? If fate is real, then wouldn't it be some people's fate to be alone? Not everyone can have a shiny, happy, lovey relationship, right? Is that why nothing has worked out with any of the guys I've been with?
And before you say, "well you just haven't met the right one yet", how do I know there is a right one out there for me? Is it love that I'm looking for or is love really just someone else who is willing to put up with all the good and all the bad we are made of?
Those are my questions. And I really hope someone comes along to prove me wrong. I hope that one day I will wake up and the love of my life will be next to me and everything will be right side up in my world. The last thing I really want is to be right about any of this.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
everything is gonna be just fine
Hidden Track by Chase Long Beach
"you've got your problems
oh boy well get in line
hey little sister
what's on your mind
we've all got questions
and the answers are hard to find
but if you let us play a song for you
everything is gonna be alright
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
we can't give you no money
and none of us can give you a ride
but if you let us play a song for you
everything is gonna be just fine
no worries baby
about your life
we've all got troubles and burdens and bills and heartache and strife
we're all in this together
so relax and let the good times ride
come on let us play a song for you and everything is gonna be alright
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
we can't give you no money
and none of us can give you a ride
but if you let us play a song for you everything is gonna be just fine
rised up this morning
smiled with the rising sun
three little birds
sit by my door step
singing sweet songs
oh melodies pure and true
singing this is my message to you, you, you
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
chase long beach is your friend
chase long beach is your friend til the bitter end
we cant give you no money (cause we're broke!)
and none of us is good to drive (cause we're drunk!)
but if you let us play a song for you everything is gonna be just fine"
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